Guess Who's Back, back again?

Strange things are a-happening these days. 81 year old men are fathering twins with women half their age. Just a week back I witnessed a shocking sight. 3 cows having an orgy in the middle of a busy intersection. Though not that shocking in itself, if you're an Indian, the shocking part is that all cows were females.

You read that right - Lesbian cows!!! The next breakthrough in biology! This is BIG. Maybe even more than the creation of life in a lab! A big boost for pro- homosexuality people. As a friend of mine said once about lesbianism: it's fun! Even for them!

Anyway, now that my exams are finally over, i get to write another post. Back to 2004.

There was a great teacher...come to think of it, there were several. Let's go through them one by one.

Math bitch:
Description: Looks like a lioness,great big moustache, not much knowledge in the subject she teaches.

Notable Quotes:

• Sometimes Sujoy can do wonders..
• Sometimes even the teacher can be right
• donkiz and toffiz (donkeys and toffees)

Geography Queen Bitch:
Description: Looks like the daughter of Ronaldinho and the transvestite he was caught fucking.(No offence to said transvestite)
Chest hair very unabashedly displayed.

Notable Quotes:

• Shut up!!(pronounced shudaaaap, with a fake accent)
• Juuuuuuuuuuust SHUT UP!!
• Why are talking?(said very fast)
• Juuuuuuuuust SHUT UP!!!!

Chemistry Bitch:
Description: The Exorcist would definitely recruit her.
                     A true bitch.
Notable Quotes:

• bark bark bark
• woof woof

(everything she said sounds like a bark; a deep, reverberating bark)

English Bitch:

Description:

• squint eyed
• stupid
• squint eyed(from the point of view of the other eye)
• flirts with students...or maybe just me

Notable Incidents:

• The time when she scolded a student and told him to stand up...two different guys stood up(neither was sure who exactly she was looking at)
• all round the year, me and my friends constantly made fun of her...in her face

Computer Bitch:

Description: Undertaker's twin
Notable Quotes:
Butt obvious.

Physics Teacher:

She was cute. I think I had a crush on her. Note the absence of 'bitch' from the title.

description: Cute.
                  Nice butt. It's a shame she got married...

notable Incidents:

• A student, about not doing his holiday homework project: "Ma'am, samajh to aa gaya, par ....samajh nahi  aa raha.."( I understood, but....I don't understand"
• In her class once she was demonstrating how a fire extinguisher works...everybody had gathered round her table, and I couldn't see properly. So I tried to climb a nearby table but I fell, face to face, on top of a girl. Pity she wasn't hot.

Okay, that's about it with the teachers...

I first started singing at around this time. I was awful, but the class seemed to disagree. Also, this was when  I became famous for football and my dance skills. I remember a kid I'd never seen coming up to me and asking, "You are Alcoholic Toddler, right? The football guy?"

It felt weird to be popular...It had its positives...Once a girl was crossing me and I felt her hand nudge my crotch by 'accident'...heh heh...yea right...

Alrighty then...
this is Alcoholic Toddler signing off.

Same Old, same old

Hey, people, welcome back, into my open arms! Mind the smelly armpits!

So, 10 months after my blog started, the pageviews have finally touched 1000. Hurrah!

Anyway, sorry for the long delay in posting. Same old, same old story: assignments, exams, practical files, ridiculous deadlines, blah blah blah, and some more blah.
Oh, and some more blah.
Blah.

<loud clearing of the throat>

blah.
Sorry....I seem to have that word stuck in my throat.

Another advanced apology for yet another delay in the next post: Endsems till Nov 29.

Back to the school life, then.

So, I had given a very mild account of the Shit Happens story. Well, it was for your own benefit. Believe you me, you did not want me to accurately describe the magnitude of that stench, that is unless you wanted to have a puking spree on your keyboard.

If i'm not wrong, I believe that Shit happened once more. But that was a close one, and I believed he managed to rush to the Shit Cleaning Room(namely, the toilet) just in time.

In other news, One Stupid guy was running around the classroom, fighting with the Akshay Kumar lookalike. As it happens, he slipped and fell, with his feet knocking mine down from behind.

What followed was a furious unleashing of the beast within me.

I KICKED THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THAT ASSHOLE.


It was so loud that the whole class went silent for a couple of seconds. When they saw he was still in one piece, they sighed with relief.

Needless to say, his balls fell off and he never came within 5 feet of me ever again.

This is Alcoholic toddler signing off.
Sayonara.

Life at schools- Part (Whatever)

Aloha.

8th grade. One of the best goddamn phases of my life.

It started pretty awkwardly, what with my bicycle being stolen from the school compound.
Three weeks Ago....

Well, here we go. One fine day, I was just minding my own business, doing what every normal kid does in a classroom. Farting sonic bombs.
The day was kind of ordinary, except when I got to the bicycle stand. I couldn't find my keys. They must have fallen off my pocket when I was playing football earlier. And scoring a hat-trick....but that thought didn't do much to lift my spirits at that time..I had to get the lock sheared apart by a strong blade, asking the school gardener to do it for me.
As you can imagine, I was terrified, wondering what I would tell mom and Dad when I got home.

So..I took the sheared lock home, and claimed that someone else had broken it.My mom, dad and bro did not like the sound of that.
So, the following monday, my dad wrote a letter to the Principal, criticising the security and so on...
And I was, obviously, called upon, when the Principal investigated this serious matter. The guards recognized me at once, even though I put on a chinki face and rumpled up my hair in what I thought would be a hopefully unrecognizable fashion. It's my bad luck that I have hair like Harry Potter...no matter what I do, they always slip back to the same tousled configuration after half an hour.
And, I don't know whether it was because of the extreme heat or the fear I had of the Principal and my Dad, I had a blackout experience for a couple of seconds in the Principal's office, right about the time when she was twisting my ears for lying and accusing the school security, which made her even more furious.
I somehow staggered out of her Office, still alive....
The following day, my Dad was called to the principal's office, and he was filled in about my dishonesty and my "wonderful acting skills" , as the princi called it.
That was the last time I remember weeping in fear, ever. I have never cried since.

Well, three weeks later, when I forgot to take the keys with me, my cycle predictably disappeared. You know how the story goes- never trust the boy who lies. So, long story short, I never found out what happened to it.

That incident apart, life was pretty awesome.
There were inter-house football selections going on, and I impressed the hell out of both my team selectors...flinging the ball into the net with a flourish, following which they gave me a rolling ball from quite a distance, which I whacked the hell out of....it hit the crossbar, almost going in, but it made the impression I was hoping for. There was one loser-ish dude who switched lines and ran up behind me, and said in a sycophantic gushing of words,"Alcoholic Toddler is here, so I came here!"
Then they tried to test my eternal weakness in football skills- dribbling. I had to take on five defenders, which I couldn't quite pull off. But at the end of the day, they were pretty impressed, and next week followed one of the most memorable matches in my football 'career'. All for the wrong reasons.

It started out like an epic battle. Both teams were arguably on an equal footing. Except our opponent were the favourites, because they always won. Our team, on the other hand, had an impressive line-up after many years, so many hopes rested on our shoulders. Our opponents were actually at a slight advantage, as we did not have any competent keeper. But we held the slightly stronger team off, attacking them as well, keeping the game as interesting as an El-Classico fixture. Even my dribbling had created a couple of fluttering moments, but both teams defended fiercely. Then, we had a major breakthrough through my skilful run through the opponent defence. I was through, I was in the box, but I was surrounded. Somehow I flicked the ball onto the hand of one defender, which awarded us a penalty. But, our chance was cheaply lost by the same loser I mentioned earlier, who was made the captain because the teacher didn't know me well. Then five minutes later, in the last stages of the game, another idiot in our team violated a basic backpass rule, which resulted in an indirect free-kick being awarded to our opponent, which they somehow( not with much style) pushed into the back of our net. The whistle blew. We were devastated. My brother was teasing me, I remember...he was the coach of the opponents.

Shit happens. Sigh. Which reminds me...

Remember the Humpty Dumpty I mentioned earlier? Well, it seems he finally ate more than he could handle. There was a highly unpleasant smell wafting around in the classroom. All heads turned here and there, trying to identify the source.
Then one nasal, heavily drawling voice gave us the info we wanted.
"Mam, mere ko pata hai badbu kahan se aa rahi hai..."
One Stupid Guy had fashioned himself a gas mask out of paper and was proudly sporting it. The whole class was abuzz with commentary about how Humpty Dumpty had a huge discharge of faecal matter seeping through his underwear. How unfotunate for him, that our uniform's blinding white.
Eventually, he began to cry, and a good friend of mine went over to him and tried to comfort him. I would have done the same, but i have a very low threshold for withstanding shitty odours. I can't imagine how he walked back to the bus.....

Shit happens...quite literally sometimes....

A Lovely Day in The Park.

Hey there...

I have exams ongoing, after which I get half-day to study for the next exam.The thing is, I don't tell this at 'home'. I roam around, enjoying the only freedom I'll be getting in this wretched place.
I went to the beach on Tuesday, about which you can read here : http://intotheethereal.blogspot.com/
Be warned, it's the Other Alcoholic Toddler who wrote that post , I.e.  my serious twin...
Now, I chose to go to a cyber cafe for a while, then I got bored of that and I went to a small bakery to quench my thirst. After that I decided to go to The Park.

I reached there around 4. I sat on an empty bench and just idled away. After a while, a couple of guys came and sat nearby, commenting on the girls around and disturbing my peace. I got up and chose a secluded part of the park.

This part of my life is called: Getting Mugged.

So there I was, enjoying my chips in solitude, when suddenly 20 young men and boys came and surrounded me. The gang leader sat down beside me and asked me which college I was from. I told him. All this while another guy snatched my bag and started perusing it to forage for any valuable items.Thank god I didn't bring my phone or Cowon s9 that day. Another guy reached into my front pocket and snatched my ID card, confirming to the gang leader that I was telling the truth.
They began asking me various things in Tamil, almost none of which I understood. Meanwhile the gang leader, the only bulky guy of the lot, tried to sneak his hand into my backpocket where I had kept my wallet. Well, I didn't let him. He punched me in the face. I gave no reaction whatsoever.

One of the guys said (what roughly translates in hindi as- ) "Mat maar yaar, bechara hai "(Don't hit him, he's a poor little innocent)

The gan(d)g leader replied that I wasn't giving him my wallet.
" Kapde wapde utardenge..."(We'll make him strip)

This went on for a while....the guy made repeated attempts to snatch my wallet, and I didn't lett him succeed. He punched me again, and again the cycle went on. Finally, when the other men brandished their canes, I decided not to fight back. After all, I was outnumbered 20 to 1. And anyway, I decided it was better to give up a 100 bucks than have your bones broken. Or maybe worse....

So I gave him the money myself, showing him that that was all my wallet contained. He set my hair back like a loving uncle to humiliate me further  and said, "You're looking cute, man." (Gee, thanks, that's what your mom said last night)

Then they all walked away. I remained sitting there, not a hint of fear in my heart throughout the incident but just feeling irritated. There were three other people there, just watching....doing nothing.

Then the gang leader came back.
"Hey, do you have money for the bus?"
I shook my head. How much , he asked?
I held up my hand. He misread the message(Talk to the hand) and gave me first five, then a whole twenty bucks. How kind of him.

Then he disappeared again.

At the end of it all, I can honestly tell you:









That was fun, can we do it again? :D



So that's one more thing to cross off my list of things to try before I die:

1. Pissing on LOC.
2. Threesome with Gorilla and Crocodile
3. Getting mugged
4. Studying
5. Suicide Suicide(didn't work the first time)
6. Sex change ( I hope it's reversible)

This is Alcoholic Toddler signing off.

PS: I have informed my friend who has formidable thug connections to help me go about my mericless vendetta.

A slip of the tongue, a slit of the throat.
Dead men tell no tales.
Your laughing finger....will never point again!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Omerta- Lamb Of God)

And finally: (S)laughter is the best medicine ( The Joker, Batman: The Dark Knight)

Amen.

OOps. My Bad

Hey, everybody! I would like to tender an apology. I stated in my previous post that I would publish 'Constipation Blues' in this post. Well...the lyrics got so awesome that I decided to put it on hold, compose some music, record it and release the song right here on my blog.
The good news is that it will take a long time. Oops.My bad. I mean that's the bad news. The good news is that its gonna be awesome...

This post is all about: you guessed it - Oops moments.
Ever had one of those I-wish-I-could-evaporate-right-now-I'm-so-embarrassed moments?Of course you have. I've had them too. Loads of them. But, for the record, not all of these are mine..

Oops moment # 179 :

The tension was palpable. One penalty kick stood between his team's loss and a tie, which would result in an acceptable outcome. The boy took an furious run up. the left foot placed carefully to the left of the ball, he lifted his right foot backwards in the characteristic David Beckham-esque pre-kick wind. For the kick that never came. The left foot had landed in a particularly slushy spot and the boy slipped and fell on his back. The worst part? He somehow touched the ball, hence a retake was out of the question. Oops.
He lay there for almost two whole minutes....trying to 'apparate'.

Oops moment # 125:

In the exam hall. The boy looked really uncomfortable. For, he knew not but a single answer! Alas...He shrugged, yawned and slid downwards in his chair.The desks were squeezed far too tightly together. Then the boy hoisted his knees up to be more comfortable. In the process, he rammed his knees directly onto the buttocks of the girl in front.
No...no Oops....that was awesome :p
He did apologize, btw...
Oops moment # 217:

In convo.
"I think all this reservation business is bullshit."
Girl, pointing to her friend, " She's SC."
"Oh. Well, SC ST is fine, but this reservation for Christians in some colleges, now that's utter crap."
"She's Christian too."

Oops moment # 63 :

To another boy, " See that lady over there?"
"Yeah?"
"Awesome sideburns...<snickers>"
"That's my Grandma"

Oops moment # 158:

In school.
"Ma'am,May I go to the washroom?"
"No."
"Hat Saali maa ki lodi" <Yes, he said it out loud>
The boy made a face typical to Shah Rukh's tearjerkers.
15 minutes later when he couldn't hold it any longer, well, he couldn't hold it any longer.
He did make sure to 'accidentally' drop his full water bottle (a whole litre) face down, directly onto his crotch....at the exact same time that he reached the maximum hold limit.
No evidence, no shame shame, puppy shame.
P.S.-teachers can be bitches....

Oops moment # 300:

For the past 20 minutes, the boy had been teasing a girl, who was doing some kind of decoration work, by going epileptic with a pair of scissors dangerously close to her carefully cut material, and yelling , "OOPS!"
The girl asked him to trim a chart paper...
Do I even need to say more??

Alvida.

Offbeat Is My Middle Name

Greetings.

I have always tended to swim against the strong currents of societal and demographic trends. Everything I do, I do it for me. I have never taken tuitions in my entire life..except if you take into account IIT coaching, where I merely came, saw, and got clobbered in the tender heinie. I solve mathematical problems orally. Yes, even in exams. No, not the BOARDS, what am I, stupid??

I once solved enough questions to get into one of the coveted thrones of Vidya Mandir Classes. I didn't explain the solutions, I just wrote the answer. I didn't even get a correspondence course offer. In reply, I offered a very polite middle finger.

My taste in music has always baffled my peers...and perhaps now that they are catching up( and that I, being in a situation not conducive to progressive taste in music, am stagnating)..I still have to stifle guffaws...except for a few buddies whose taste I agree with.
I'm usually not one for display of personal choice, but my favourites are listed below :

1. System Of a Down....no question.Top spot. Undisputed.

2. Them Crooked Vultures

3. well, the ranking of the rest is disputed in my own mangled brain, so I will simply state them.


White Stripes, Foo fighters, Oasis, Porcupine Tree, Led Zeppelin, The Raconteurs, Daler Mehndi, Baba Sehgal etc.

I don't usually practice Hero worship...but here are a couple of people I just can't help admiring for their eccentricity and talent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bAN7Ts0xBo

Annnnd. I learnt the guitar all by myself. From the internet.My mom refused to send me to classes since she though I would, as usual, discontinue in the middle of the course.....I just convinced her to buy me the guitar...and the rest, I took care of it. The tragedy is that I no longer have a guitar. I fuckin' broke it. So, now that I can't afford a good one, and since I don't want to waste cash on a not-so-good one, I'm gonna build one for myself. Wish me luck.


This is ALcoholic Toddler signing off.



I'm leaving a little hint for my next post : Constipation Blues.
Amen to that.

Life at School part ..(you're still counting??)

Hell. O.
College has been keeping me busy.
Not.
It was the damn gymnasium...working out can be very injurious to health, contrary to popular belief. It can also build up a stickman's frame, as I learnt. But for personal reasons, I had to stop. I was getting too sexy for my shirt.

Anyway, back to me school life.
After discovering that my grades were far from sufficient, I did what I do often - I told myself and others that I would work hard this time and top the class. And I got a wheezing-with-laughter audience to this proclamation.Like always.
And I went ahead and made a grave error of judgment, sans alcohol....(It's funny how I make the worst of decisions while i'm NOT under the influence)..I took a crush seriously.
As you figured, it destroyed my life. Well, part of it, though I would realize it much later.
Lesson learnt: Never fall in love...or atleast, never stop drinking.

Most of the year passed by uneventfully. I went about being an awesome footballer, befriended a genius who er....admired me for reasons unfathomable(besides the obvious). I was always picked to play against my own class during PE by that very boy genius...and I was the only one he picked. ah...the good old days, when I was never playing second fiddle to anyone....
And yeah, no crotch kickings, but another bout of attempted strangulating took place. As usual, I was at the receiving end. And a very smelly middle finger was thrusted in front of my face as he did it, which made me kinda worried about where he had thrust it previously. The good old days....sigh

I developed jaundice halfway through the year. That was a long, long time of being very,very sick. I was bedridden and my daily routine consisted of eating, pooping and sleeping. Not necessarily in that order.
I got to laze around a lot, though...i listened to music all day..watched Pokemon once, and never again.(seriously, how dumb do people get?)
Meanwhile, my jaundice was rising to fatally dangerous levels. My only reaction to this was - Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
When I recovered, I became the stickman that people know me by today...
I really have to poop. Ciao